Updated: 30/08/17 : 05:14:31
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Sligo statues met in secret session, again

By Eugene McGloin

SLIGO STATUES held another secret meeting shortly before midnight last night, Tuesday.

Delegates walked in mufti to the meeting rather than take taxis. Why?

They were unsure, they said, which streets in Sligo would actually still be open and not closed to traffic ''with them barriers.''

Issues on the agenda included Ireland's response to 'Brexit' and those extended street works in the town which allegedly kept statues awake during the summer. 

Also on the agenda -- but not reached -- was a response from Sligo statues to the toppling of some American Civil War mementos.

London Fax

Reliable sources confirm that a consensus emerged which offers a radical new formula to solve all 'Brexit' issues.

The wording of the formula devised by the statues at the secret Sligo meeting will be faxed to Westminster later today, Wednesday.

1. All Irish citizens entering Britain will have to produce a new national identity card.

2. This will be swiped by the Brits at places of entry or on crossing into UK, to ensure no welfare cheats or terrorists enter their country. 

3. The card will be ''compulsory but NOT mandatory,'' the card will ''not be mandatory but will be compulsory.''

This (winning) formula -- saying something repeatedly until it is not credible but still applicable -- will be known as Regina's Recitation.

Qualifies Alright

Lady Erin, the delegate from Market Street, queried last night, however, whether Regina was a real statue. 

But, said county Sligo delegate Bartholomew Teeling : ''Oh she qualifies as a statue alright. Did you see her move much this past eighteen months? 

''Troth then you did not,'' said Teeling: ''She's as much a statue as any of us here tonight. Agreed?''

The meeting agreed, on a show of hands that Regina could attend their next secret meeting and maybe explain her recitation.

Dead Man

Bartholomew Teeling thundered: ''But meantime there will be no ID card sneaked in for Irish citizens -- over my dead body, over my dead body.''

Voice from the floor: ''Eh, Bartley, but you are already a dead man.''

Before the meeting commenced local statues congratulated India's representative, Mr Tagore from Wine Street, on 70 years of his country's independence.

''Ye beat the living lard outa the Brits, just like us. But please don't feck it up, just like us,'' said a bolshie statue at the back, unidentified but female. 

Find Pot

Meanwhile, the proposal that a well known Belgian statue, Mannekin Pis, be invited to Sligo as guest speaker was again debated last night but again deferred.

''Where would he piss publicly in Sligo? He could travel down to Ballyshannon by bus, if he can hold it in, but no guarantee he'd find a pot to piss in there, either.''

Wild Goose

Delegate PA McHugh from Quay Street asked: ''Was it for this that the Wild Geese spread the grey wing on every tide?''

''Surely you mean Wild Goose,'' said visiting comedian Spike Milligan.

Chairman WB Yeats from Stephen Street ruled Milligan out of order.

Yeats said sternly: ''Mr Milligan, please refrain from speaking at our meeting. You are not (yet) a fully fledged statue in Sligo.''

Milligan then angrily left the statues meeting while quoting some Marx --   Groucho Marx that is, not Karl Marx.

''I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member,'' said the departing Milligan, still waiting on his Sligo statue-hood.

Kip Disturbed

The Chilean delegate to the Sligo meeting was again Bernardo O'Higgins from the Bank of Ireland car park cumann. 

He complained that noise was so bad around Sligo all summer that he was kept awake some days and nights.

Dracula Scared

Said O'Higgins: ''I even went sleepwalking, the somnambulist statue of Sligo. What a sight; even Dracula would have been scared if he met me.''

Added O'Higgins: ''We had that band Aslan here kicking up a noisy racket in my car park while I was trying to kip after the water scheme crowd drilled the streets. 

Mr O'Higgins warned: ''Force can not be ruled out to re-take the streets of Sligo.''

Church Gate

He proposed a Church Gate Collection  to buy some light munitions in case the more experienced Sligo statues opted for an uprising before the next meetinhn

The international statue cum arms expert, Venus de Milo, is to be contacted later this week by Madame Markievicz, the Rathcormac delegate.

Finally, delegate Yeats concluded last night's meeting with the first line of a new poem he is working on: ''We will arise and go now and leave the EEC.''